Mid-Life Doldrums: Shake Things Up… Carefully

Many of us are in that dreaded state of middle age. And middle age brings all kinds of angst: doubt and boredom and disappointment and resentment and… well, you get the idea. It’s a tough phase of life to be sure. These are the years we watch our parents grow old and friends begin to pass away, and we finally understand we are not invulnerable. For many, this is when we realize life is not unfolding as we had hoped, that our career has not gone the way we expected, that our children are not perfect, and that (this is the worse of all) we are not the person we had hoped to become.

Some of us accept these disappointments with graceful resignation and just press on, some grow sad and grieve, and others become bitter. We often fight back against these doldrums by making changes in our life, by shaking things up to try to recapture the optimism and energy of our younger years.

Making some changes can be the best thing we ever do for our self! But this also takes us into dangerous territory where we need to be careful about what we change. This is the time in our life, the infamous mid-life crisis, when we run the risk of discarding the things that really are meaningful and important, the things that hold us together. How many relationships have you seen fall apart because of mid-life angst? How many families have come undone?  You can toss away that cranky man you’re married to, give your wife the old heave-ho, or tell your nosy buddies to take a hike... but making changes like these will not cure the middle age blues. At the end of the day, you’ll still be sitting in a room, alone now, pondering your sad situation and wondering what the heck you’ve done. Some things cannot be undone.

But some changes can be good! Go ahead and indulge yourself, take some risks! Dip into your savings and make that trip to Australia you’ve talked about for twenty years, or buy that motorcycle you’ve been lusting after. You could even consider quitting your job to spend time at home and travel around America in an RV (sound familiar?). Whatever is important to you, whatever will challenge you, whatever will make you feel good and worthwhile again… go for it! As Eleanor Roosevelt said,

The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experiences to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.

Mid-life is not all grey and moldy. There are some wonderful aspects to being middle-aged: we’ve learned to stand up for our self, we offer well-founded words of wisdom to our children, we wear comfortable clothes, we don’t care about being cool, we can stay out as late as we want now that the children are grown, and so on. Decide what is important to you and figure out how to do it, or how to get it. Volunteer and give some of yourself to others - it will remind you of your worth and make you feel great. And, if you haven’t already, join AARP and get those discounts!

Go ahead, my middle-aged friends, and shake things up! Carefully.

Quittin' the Job to Travel

After taking the Fall Foliage trip, I thought more and more about how great it would be to travel around America the Beautiful in an RV. And maybe go up into Alaska and Canada. It did not take me long to realize that this kind of travel was out of reach as long as I had a traditional job – you can’t do what I had in mind with 15 days of vacation a year.

So what’s a girl to do?

Well, as I wrote in Life’s Twists and Turns, I was at a point where I felt strongly that I needed to take life by the horns and so I spent hours building a budget and making financial calculations. Once I was 110% sure I had the financial means to be unemployed for a year or more, I turned in my resignation. It was a few weeks before my 50th birthday, in the middle of a serious recession.

Call me crazy if you like, I wondered about that also, but I’m feeling just great about it. And everyone I worked with, and my family and friends have all been completely supportive. I think many people, particularly those over the age of 40, would love to do something like this. I don’t mean living in 250 square feet of rolling space – that is surely not everyone’s idea of utopia – but shrugging off the safety net that smoothers, and doing something fun and challenging and even a little risky. You know, like you were 20 again.

Happily for me, I am in a financial position to be able to do this. I started to write, “luckily for me…” but luck has nothing to do with such things, unless you win the lottery. My happy position is due to my own hard work for 30 years, being organized enough to squirrel money away, and living within my means so as not to have any significant debt.

My responsible living soapbox beckons, but I will resist!

And so I gave my employer 8 weeks’ notice. I have to admit, this was not an easy decision. I worked for a great organization with excellent benefits and drew a very competitive salary. My position was challenging and provided opportunity for growth. But, c'est la vie - you can't have it all. Perhaps one day, when my sojourn is over, I will have an opportunity to work there again.

Speaking of great benefits, along with my job I was giving up health/dental/vision coverage and life insurance. Hmmm… no big deal provided I don’t get sick or die. Well, I decided it was just too risky and so I took COBRA and bought life insurance through USAA. I am a US Military veteran and will see about getting into the VA system for health care.  I feel a little odd about doing that, considering all our brothers and sisters who are getting shot up, blown up, and emotionally maimed in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, VA benefits were touted to me when I signed up...

So here I am, sorting out the house, cleaning out drawers and closets, writing for this Blog, working to find a House Sitter, and trip planning our Great RV Escape.  I am busier than when I was employed!  The transition is complete... and I have no worries that I did the right thing.

Life's Twists and Turns... a little background

Events occurred over the past two years or so that came together to send us a very clear message - picture a theater marquee with a million lights:

Life is precious and fragile... and health is a gift not guaranteed

There we were, going with the flow, doing what we’re supposed to do, plodding along and (to be honest about it) getting fairly bored. Here’s a quote that sums this up beautifully: 

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin - real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way. Something to be got through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Then life would begin. At last it dawned on me that these obstacles were my life. – Father Alfred D’Souza

I was beginning to suspect that life would be disappointing if I wasn't careful, and was wondering what to do about that when three major events occurred – buckets of cold water, you could say.

1. My longtime and much loved friend died just a few weeks before her 48th birthday – breast cancer. She left behind three children and a husband, and a large group of dismayed, bewildered friends and family. How could this happen? Charisse should have grown old and crusty, calling me up each year on my birthday as she had for more than 30 years, to sing to me and fill me in on news of old school friends and Bajan family. She was an anchor for me, a connection to a beloved past, a link to my old home. Charisse’s passing really rocked my world and still does. I know she would be very pleased at the idea of our Great RV Escape.
   
   
2. A little over a year after Charisse passed away, Lynda suffered a major stroke exactly one week before her 46th birthday. It was Pearl Harbor day, December 7th, and a day that for us will certainly “…live in infamy”. Lynda did not have any of the risk factors for stroke. We were at the gym, barely 20 minutes into a fairly low level work out and she collapsed. The signs of stroke were classic, although it was hard to believe. And so it began, 5 days in acute care, close to 3 weeks at the wonderful Patricia Neal Rehabilitation Center, countless physical, occupational, and language therapy sessions. All this and Lynda is still recovering. She will probably be in recovery for the rest of her life - a stroke such as the one she suffered changes your life forever. But she was lucky, at least within the parameters of having the stroke itself. It took out a huge chunk of her right parietal lobe and even did some minor, spotty damage to her left brain. The doctor at the Mayo clinic (we went there a few months after for follow up and a second opinion) was amazed she could walk and talk. He told her it was a miracle. I don’t know about that, but I do know we have a lot to be thankful for.
   
   
3. About 6 months after Lynda had her stroke, her mother Carolyn was diagnosed with breast cancer. “Oh crap” is an understatement. But Carolyn went after this like a missile on target. No fussing, no fooling, no pussy-footin’ around. That tumor had met its match! Surgery was immediately scheduled and chemo followed. The chemo took a toll on her but she is working her way back out of the effects. We are very optimistic that Carolyn is the Victor of this battle, not the cancer.
   
   Side Note to Women – Be sure to have regular mammograms and pay attention to your body! Don’t run or try to hide from illness. If you’re diagnosed with cancer, fight back fast and fight back hard. Fight to win, like Carolyn did.

So Lynda and I have come to understand that there is no guarantee as to how healthy or able we will be next year, next month or even next week. If there are things we want to do, then now is the time. So here we are, rearranging our life to get ready for our Great RV Escape and having a wonderful time just planning for it and getting all the pieces in place so we can go. It’s a shot in the arm!

I guess you could say our Great RV Escape has already begun.